Wednesday-Night

L’Obama, ossia L’avvento del Messia - an opera seria in three acts Wonderful send-up, although some points a bit belabored; many comments are worth reading as well.

Stephen Kinsman forwarded this delightful response to the item below
Are making fun of us North Countrites who, by the geez ‘em, just love the way our current President shares his verbal skills because he is aware, and this should serve area’s like yours warning you and everyone else, even those living in view of Russia, and we aren’t, but are close of a border with no fence…to be nice and not make fund because we can’t help having a French enfluence after Bonaparte’s brother controling or land for so long ago, but we remain friendly to those French living in the country of Europe.  So, to repeat myself I would hope you leave our President alone and not have the same thoughts, bad or indifferent, against the crown.  So there.
Obama’s Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy
Stunning Break with Last Eight Years
In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.
Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama’s appearance on CBS’ “Sixty Minutes” on Sunday witnessed the president-elect’s unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.
But Mr. Obama’s decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.
According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it “alienating” to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language.
“Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement,” says Mr. Logsdon. “If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist.”
The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, “Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off.”
The President-elect’s stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.
“Talkin with complete sentences there and also too talkin in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can’t really do there, I think needin to do that isn’t tapping into what Americans are needin also,” she said.
Undated - sometime post November 4
Dear World:
We, the United States of America, your top quality supplier of the ideals of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for our 2001-2008 interruption in service. The technical fault that led to this eight-year service outage has been located, and the software responsible was replaced November 4. Early tests of the newly installed program indicate that we are now operating correctly, and we expect it to be fully functional on January 20.
We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage. We look forward to resuming full service and hope to improve in years to come. We thank you for your patience and understanding.
Sincerely,
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
5 November
Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job
(The Onion) WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation’s broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, “It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can’t catch a break.”

Unfortunately, there is little real humor in the American campaign, other than what is supplied inadvertently by Sarah P.  There’s too much anger for levity rather than sarcasm. But there are some wonderful lines — and we must give daily thanks for  SNL and Tina Fey.
Finally, in the very last moments of the campaign, we received this wonderful item:
Don’t Speak for me Sarah Palin

Clever personalized getting-out-the vote video   “Obama’s Loss Traced To Non-Voter”  from MoveOn.org Political Action - watch the counter on the right to see how fast this one is flying around the globe.
Our own Josh Freed weighs in:
With days left to go, Americans suffering post-traumatic election anxiety disorder
Many are in the same panic we anglos were when we thought the PQ would win the referendum. They’re terrified Obama is a lefty-loving, tree-hugging, anti-oil-drilling socialist who’ll steal their tax dollars, seize their handguns and declare all gay couples married. They think he’ll socialize medicine and turn the U.S. into a communist state like Canada, just as Sarah Palin says, and she should know - she can see Canada from Alaska.

Palin Prank-Called By “Sarkozy”
Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin was prank called today by a comedy duo from Quebec, who convinced the Alaska governor that she was speaking to French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

Gail Collins gives a wry twist to the final days of the election in  Our Election Whopper
Our two-year presidential campaign now ends with a month-long vote, followed by weeks of litigation over provisional ballots. After that, the new president is sworn in and given 100 days to accomplish his legislative agenda, after which everyone will start plotting for 2012.

We are not sure whether this rightfully belongs under humour; it is more in the spirit of ‘more in sadness than in anger, but it is Dick Cavett at his articulate best and some of the Comments are almost as good. Read and weep.

Fright Night
“Is it ungentlemanly of me to confess that I will not miss the pause-free stream of unparsable flapdoodle that issues from the woman chosen by McCain as capable of holding the office held by Jefferson, Lincoln and the others on Mt. Rushmore? Might those carved worthies be scowling in their marble [ahem — granite] majesty at the thought of someday having to move over a little to make room for Wasilla’s wonder woman?”

The Vet Who Didn’t Vet

Dear Red States:
We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.  In case you aren’t aware, that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon, Washington , Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get  Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.
We get 85 percent of America ’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war,  and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If  you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if  you don’t show
pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford , Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
Blue States

Hey, Sarah Palin

Sarah in the Oval Office ; SNL Presidential debate from Belmont University ;
Saturday Night Live: Palin-Couric interviews ; Tina did it again
It’s getting harder and harder to know which is the real Sarah Palin.

3 October
Sarah Palin looked as though she had prepared for her appearance at the vice presidential debate last night by studying Tina Fey’s impressions of her on “Saturday Night Live.” She twinkled and winked and piled on the perkiness, a “darn right” here and an “I’ll betcha” there. The challenge to Fey, who is scheduled to play the Alaska governor and Republican candidate again on the next “SNL” broadcast, will be to out-Palin Palin, to make the parody more outrageous than the original.  More

I Surrender, Sarah!
As soon as ya looked right at me and gave me that cute little wink and nod and that big winner smile, I knew that the Republicans were right after all–this election should not be about issues. Issues are boring and elitist. It should be about personality. … all those people who get all bent out of shape on stuff like the regular, normal pattern of weather changes and call it “climate change crises” or think that the war in Iraq has gone on too long blah blah blah–he calls them “issuists.” He says, they’re just all so NEGATIVE
21 September.
Creationism: Your questions answered  - Roger Ebert’s contribution to the debate
20 September
Aaron Sorkin Conjures a Meeting of Obama and Bartlet (Wonderful!)
BARACK OBAMA knocks on the front door of a 300-year-old New Hampshire farmhouse while his Secret Service detail waits in the driveway. The door opens and OBAMA is standing face to face with former President JED BARTLET.
Time for some campaigning

Blizzard of Lies, Paul Krugman (NYT)

Tony Auth, NYT September 14

Seeking a President Who Gives Goose Bumps? So’s Obama.
Maureen Dowd and Aaron Sorkin on Jed Bartlet’s advice to Obama. In our opinion, the best line? “The people who want English to be the official language of the United States are uncomfortable with their leaders being fluent in it.”

SNL Opener: Tina Fey Does Palin

Liberal Bloggers Accuse Obama of Trying to Win Election
The liberal blogosphere was aflame with new accusations that Obama is trying to win the 2008 presidential election.  Here are just a few of the blog quotes:
Obama is “betraying the Democratic Party’s losing tradition.”
“Barack Obama seems to be making a very calculated attempt to win over 270 electoral votes. He must be stopped.”
“Any Democrat who voted for Dukakis, Mondale or Kerry should regard this as a betrayal.”
“Barack Obama still has a chance to pick someone disastrous [for VP] as a sign that he wants to lose this thing. If not, he should brace himself for some really mean blog posts.”

Current Republican-Speak

• If you’re a minority and you’re selected for a job over less qualified candidates you’re a “token hire.”
  If you’re a conservative and you’re selected for a job over more qualified candidates you’re a “game changer.”

• Black teen pregnancies? A “crisis” in black America.
  White teen pregnancies? A “blessed event.”

• If you grow up in Hawaii (our 50th state) you’re “exotic” and “foreign.”
  Grow up in Alaska, shooting moose and eating mooseburgers, and you’re the quintessential “American story.”
• Similarly, if you name your kid Barack you’re “unpatriotic.”
  Name your kid Track, you’re “colorful.”
• If you’re a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fully vetting the individual you’re “reckless.”
  A Republican who doesn’t fully vet is a “maverick.”
• If you spend 3 years as a community organizer growing your organization from a staff of 1 to 13 and your budget from $70,000 to $400,000, then become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new African American voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, then spend nearly 8 more years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, becoming chairman of the state Senate’s Health and Human Services committee, then spend nearly 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of nearly 13 million people, sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran’s Affairs committees, you are woefully inexperienced.
  If you spend 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, then spend 20 months as the governor of a state with 650,000 people, then you’ve got the most executive experience of anyone on either ticket, are the Commander in Chief of the Alaska military and are well qualified to lead the nation should you be called upon to do so because your state is the closest state to Russia.
• If you are a Democratic male candidate who is popular with millions of people you are an “arrogant celebrity”.
  If you are a popular Republican female candidate you are “energizing the base”.
• If you are a younger male candidate who thinks for himself and makes his own decisions, you are “presumptuous”. (also known as “uppity)
  If you are an older male candidate who makes last minute decisions you refuse to explain, you are a “shoot from the hip” maverick.
• If you are a candidate with a Harvard law degree you are “an elitist–out of touch” with the real America.
  If you are a legacy (dad and granddad were admirals) graduate of Annapolis, with multiple disciplinary infractions, you are a hero.
• If you manage a multi-million dollar nationwide campaign, you are an “empty suit”.
  If you are a part-time mayor of a town of 7000 people, you are an “experienced executive”.
• If you go to a south side Chicago church, your beliefs are “extremist”.
  If you believe in creationism and don’t believe global warming is man made, you are “strongly principled”.
• If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your crippled, disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you’re a Christian.
  If you have been married to the same woman with for 19 years and raised 2 beautiful daughters with her, you’re “risky”.
• If you’re a poor, black single mother of 4 who waits for 22 hours after her water breaks to seek medical attention, you’re an irresponsible parent, endangering the life of your unborn child.
  But if you’re a white married mother who waits 22 hours, you’re spunky.
• If you’re a 13-year-old Chelsea Clinton, the right-wing press calls you “First dog.”
  If you’re a 17-year old pregnant unwed daughter of a Republican, the right-wing press calls you “beautiful” and “courageous.”
• If you teach abstinence only in sex education, you get teen parents.
  If you teach responsible age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.
• If you’re a Republican senator who solicits gay sex in an airport bathroom, you get to return to your job in the Senate and are encouraged to run for re-election.
  If you’re a former Democratic Senator who is out of public office and have an affair, your political career is over and your wife, who has terminal cancer, is to blame.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth  II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ’favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up ‘vocabulary’).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of  ‘-ize.’
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed  with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
You must tell us who killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.